I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
