I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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