smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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