I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
