Apparently you make a good broom.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
