Dual....:-)
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
