Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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