im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
