What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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