Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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