man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
