The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We left an ass print on the piano.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize