I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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