you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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