So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
