in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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