alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
