So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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