no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
