you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
