you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
