omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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