just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
