This is not my ceiling
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Randomize
