They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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