Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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