'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
