the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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