So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
