I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
