Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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