The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
