I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
