So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
