After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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