I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
