There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
