oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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