Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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