More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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