Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My cat gives me a boner
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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