Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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