I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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