Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
