Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
