She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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