My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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