If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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