She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
