I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
