I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
