I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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