she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
