WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize