I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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