My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We are all done wearing pants today
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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