I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
